Mother Nature was fined $250 for attempting to obstruct city property.
Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle officially confirmed at 9:00 a.m. (CT) this morning that the 2008 winter season has “sucked the most ass” of any winter in the last few decades.
He simultaneously declared a state of emergency, activating the National Guard to conduct door-to-door triage of residents for the widespread epidemic of Seasonal Affective Disorder, (SAD) a situational depression that accompanies a particularly suck ass winter. Those most affected will be provided with antidepressants, bright visible spectrum lights, and twelve packs of Leinenkugels.
Many schools, businesses and government offices planned to stay closed today and probably tomorrow, and I don’t know…maybe next Monday too, as the increased levels of SAD were expected throughout the week. Both Mitchell Field and Dane Co. Regional Airport delayed and cancelled most flights, because too many employees are curled up in the fetal position on their couches eating cookie dough.
“The level of ‘suck ass’ is critically high right now”, stated Health Services official John Rayston, “if we get one more snowfall, even the fluffy, pretty kind, I’m afraid we’re going to see some serious cases of freak out.”
“We are also seeing an increased incidence of Cabin Fever”, states Rayston, “and are expecting it to spread.” Like SAD, Cabin Fever is an illness characterized by hypersomnia and overeating. Unlike SAD, CF comes with an annoying, irritating, crawling-out-of-your-skin-ohmigod-I’m-going-friggin-nuts sensation to incredibly minor stimuli.
“If my husband doesn’t stop shuffling his slippers so loudly”, Eileen McButters giggles maniacally, “I am going to smack him upside the head with a hot iron”…McButters rapidly chews her index fingernail, “seriously, I really am…”
More Wisconsin residents have decided to stay in the World of Warcraft until the level of suck ass has subsided. “It’s so warm in Orgrimmar this time of year”, dreamily muses Geoffry Johnson, a.k.a. Spanks, a level 42 orc warrior. “I mean, it snows a little there, around Christmas time, but then it goes a way in like a week, and I can mine copper veins all day in the warm desert sun….”
“Conditions for crabbiness are at an all-time high right now”, adds Rayston, “between the snow, the arctic blasts, and the possibility that Favre might retire…its just too much for these people…thank god American Idol started when it did.”
Even children who are normally fond of winter have been deeply affected by 2008’s excruciatingly painful dose. Five-year old Jimmy Timbers shivers as he pulls on his boots for the 1,874th time this season, “If I have to wear that goddamn soggy flap hat one more time, I swear…we’re talking major, major tantrum” He grudgingly heads outside to work on the fourth wing of his three-story snow-fort.
Bush announced he plans to tour all states affected by this god-awful winter to assess how much tequila and Sedoku puzzles FEMA should ship into the area.
Mental health professionals add that the area should prepare for high levels of mania in March and April, should the suck-ass winter actually end at that time. This mania is usually evident by UW frat boys wearing shorts and firing up their grills in 40 degree weather.
Therapist’s disclaimer: SAD can actually be a serious condition, so if you have more than just the winter blues, ( you know who you are), Leinenkugals and tequila are not the answer….