Dear Columbia, SC Frat Party Attendee:

In regards to the turmoil you have created for Michael Phelps, I would like to state for the record that I find you to be a complete and total dick. No matter what anyone thinks about Phelps’ actions, they have to scrutinize yours. Not exactly the choices I would want my son to make should he find himself in that situation. Boneheads don’t make good role models.

If the illegalities of the situation gravely concerned you, you would have immediately sent that photo to the police from your cell with a text reading, “420 in progress” and directions to the party. If you were offended for religious, moral, or health reasons, you probably would have left the room and included him in your prayers. Not wreak total havoc on his life. Nor were you the dashing photojournalist secretly filming on drug use among Olympic athletes. Or working on that High Times piece dispeling the myth that all weed smokers are confused and unproductive people.  

No, you were the douchebag who came to the decision that instead of being the cool, laid-back frat guy who got to chill out with his new buddy Phelps, you were gonna opt for The Total Asshole Move.  

WHY? Were you just struck with the desire to inflict a large amount of damage in several key areas of another young man’s life? Do you secretly hate Michael Phelps? Just HAD to bring him down? Do you think swimming is an absolute outrage? Was he hogging all the chicks? Or were you in awe and needed proof for your friends, but a mischievious paparazzi elf stole the photo?

Didn’t anyone at ANY point tell you, “Aw, come on man, don’t be lame.”?

Now it seems obvious to me that we should respect your family and not dissect YOUR life. It appears that did not cross your mind when you marched your little treasure to the press.

Think now. Are there any pictures of you NEXT to the bong? Or vomiting during Rush Week? Or in some vulnerable position where you thought you could let your guard down? Let’s publish THOSE in the local newspaper, the sorority newsletter, plaster posters on kiosks all over town and drop fliers off at all the business specializing in YOUR field where you intend to search for jobs after graduation. Send it to your parents. Your grandma. Your coach.

Didn’t you, at any point, play that little game we call Put Yourself In Their Shoes? I play that game with my 5 yr. old. It helps him learn a little thing we call empathy.

I can only rest assured knowing you will now live with the title of The Guy-Who-Took-The-Phelps-Bong-Picture for the rest of your life. Good luck with that. And I would hope that anyone who criticizes Phelps would also recognize the detriment your kind has on our society. 

Because whether we are pro-this or anti-that, most of us don’t take too kindly to opportunistic jerkoffs who profit from exposing others.